Monday, June 5, 2017

Let Talk: Am I not pretty enough

As the years progress there is one question that keeps playing in my head why have I never had a boyfriend? Then the question turns to am I not pretty enough? Smart enough? What's wrong with me? and why only me.
Soo lets talk. What's wrong with me.

As I write this I can't help but think wow I wound like a boy crazed twelve years old. But the truth is I have been asking this question since twelve. The first answer was I wasn't ready for a relationship. Then it was I need to find myself. Now the answer is blank. But I have to admit I never really thought of boys when I was twelve. I mean I did but I didn't. I knew they were cute but I was going through far too much to really think about getting a boyfriend. But now I'm nearly twenty and I feel like I'm missing all the big marks in life. First kiss. Still waiting. First date. Nope. Prom date. Not even in my dreams. So I wonder what's wrong with me. And why only me. I look at other girls and I think if she has one why don't I? Don't get me wrong boys arnt the only things I think about I mean I have a life I have a future to plan for. And I do. I work hard every single day. I keep going and I keep bulding. And you would think that work ethic would attract guys but I think it does the opposite. It deters them. At times I feel like that why I don't have a boyfreind. Because it looks like I know where I'm going and I have drive. And at times that can intimidate guys. But that's not a part of me that I'm willing to give up. I also think it's because guys my age just want to have fun. And I'm not looking to be a side piece. But then again I see a lot of girls with good guys and I think I just want one. So why am I nearly twenty and why have I experienced anything. Maby I am boy crazed and that's what's not bring me any luck. I don't know.  I'd like to think I'm not ugly but honestly, I don't know anymore. Getting real I'm like a strong 6 on the reg. I was gonna say 4 but that's lowballing it too much. And I can be a 8 or 9 in a span of two hours. I got a pretty banged personality and shoot I got drive. So what's wrong with me. Is my drive that much of a put off? Or is it purely based on looks?

Whatever the case may be I am a true believer that God will give you what you need when you need it and not what you want when you want it. I know everything happens for a reason. Sometimes I think God is just saying I got something better for you. But it has been nearly twenty years. I also think it's because I still need to figure some things out. But then again sometimes I just wish I had a shoulder to cry on, on my bad days. Sometimes I feel lonely. I don't know. Recently I have just been needing a holder to cry on. Someone to hold me up when I'm down cus I'm falling. Not in a dark place (Thank God) but I'm going into this double I never had. I'm secluding myself from life almost. I just wish  I had someone to be like I see that you are hurting and I'm here.

Im not the type of girl that will talk about how she wants a man on social media. There's nothing wrong with those girls. It's just not me. I would feel out of place if I ever did that. But it feels like it's those girls that the guys want. I'm not the type that will show off my body on social media, I don't think I have a bad body I just don't feel constable posting things like that. But it seems like that's what guys are attracted to. You won't see me at parties wearing close to nothing. That's just not me.

I'm the type of girl that just wants to hang. Whether it's to go to moon or chill at home and watch T.V. I'm the type of girl that watches the news for fun. The one that spends hours talking about politics because it's what I love. I'm the girl that stays in the library for hours Just doing work. I'm the type of girl that is cool with a party and all that but also I'm just fine with staying home on a Friday or Saturday night. I love just strolling through the city at night with friends. Going on late night food runs. And talking about the most pointless and most meaning full things in the car. I'm the girl that would drive to the mall just to park in the furthest parking spot and play music loud with the windows down as I dance outside (with my group of friends) like no one is watching. I'm everyone's shoulder to cry on. I'm everyone's ears to listen to.I'm the girl who calls her dog her daughter (Coco is my baby though). I'm the one that will make the weirdest jokes. I laugh at my own jokes. I'm the girl that can spend a full day doing nothing but reading. I love going to events. Whether it be a conference or walk your dog event. But I'm also that girl that cries a lot when no one is looking. I can fake a smile better than anyone. I have fears. I have challenges. I have dreams. I have aspirations. But I have that voice in the back of my brain that says I can't do it all. I have insecurity.

The thing is at times I don't want a hug from a friend. I want a huge from someone that really cares about me. That let me hold you hug because I know you're about to break. I want that lets facetime at 10 pm till we fall asleep kind of conversations. I'm a hopeless romantic. Sue me I can't help it. I blame late 90's and 00's songs. I'm not asking for a guy that's a millionaire. He doesn't have to run a Tesla. All I want is someone that cares. Someone that can make me laugh. Someone I can trust. Sometimes it feels like I'm asking for too much. Sometimes I think I'm going to be alone forever. And to be completely honest that such a depressing thought. But it seems like that's where my future is going. I think I need this change in scenery. But I don't want to change my whole life because I feel lonely. I don't want to move areas because of this feeling. I don't want to do it and I won't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maby you have an idea. If so let me know.

So many I am pretty. Maby I'm just not ready? I don't know. At this point I'm just trying my hardest to not dwell on it. But it can be hard at times.